Little Angel and Devils
by MegFallow
Summary: My first Hellsing crackfic: I decided to make it into a series of oneshots: Hellsing characters going through the trouble of being bossed around by thier shoulder angels. Crack Pairings, OOC, sexual content, language, and violence. Read and Review.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Another Hellsing fic that is actually more shorter than my other story. This in case you haven't know, is a weird little crackfic I made up when I was bored one day. I decided to write this when after reading so many slashes involving my favorite yaoi couple Alucard and Anderson I noticed that half of it includes rape, sexual harrassment, or molestation. And its usually Alucard the one inciting it. **

**So I decided to do a little twist of my own: What if Anderson was presented with a situation that would make him the one doing the violating on Alucard instead of the other way around? And not only that, Alucard was helpless to fight back, but would Anderson truely do it or would his morals get in the way? That is what we are going to find out folks with a little intervention from our favorite imaginery beings The Good Conscience symbolized by a angel and The Bad Conscience symbolized by a devil.**

**Enjoy!**

**Pairings: possible AAxA (Yippee!)**

**Warning: A lot of slight yaoi jokes and references espeacially in regards to sexual violence and adult language that may not be appropiate for sensitive audiences. As well as alot and I mean ALOT of OOCness. You have been warned!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing. Also this is mostly from Anderson's POV that is why some of the fight scenes look one-sided.**

The Blood.

The Violence.

The Control.

How could they not stay away from each other. No, these were not sadomastic lovers. These were enemies plain and simple. Or that was at least what some would like to think. The vampire always had the upper hand, always pinned down the priest and made him submit. It was the same old story. Alucard would prove his prowess over Anderson by any means necessary. And I mean by any means necessary. Yet no matter how many times Anderson was ravished by the dark being, he still kept coming back for more. Not the sex. But the revenge that transpired after that sex. And Father Anderson would damage himself time and time again until there was nothing left of him but the stubborn-as-hell will only to kill that which they called Nostroraftu. And punish him for making a mockery out of his clerical position and celibacy.

Even though he doubted he was celibrate anymore if Alucard kept forcing himself on him.

The sound of guns and blades echoed across that dark alleyway which Father Anderson had chased Alucard into that night. Trash cans were hurled aside when they fisticuffed spreading filthy debris everywhere. During the fight, Alucard had grabbed Anderson by the throat and was about to slam his head against the brick wall when a blade rose in front of him and slashed him across his beautiful eyes blinding him with blood and pain. He let out a scream and dropped Father Anderson quickly just as the paladin raised the same blade again and stabbed him through the gut. The vampire kicked his foot out and hit the paladin swiftly throwing him back into the side of a large garbage dumpster.

In his blind fury, Alucard waved his jackel around firing it everywhere hoping that it would luckly hit Anderson somewhere on his body who was now holding the blade up flat like a shield to keep the bullets from hitting his own face. A stray bullet nearly grazed his shoulder and reqoisheyed off the heavy metal of the dumpster behind him flying back at the vampire that had fired the bullet and struck the side of Alucard's right knee sending him falling like a Jenga game face-down into a pile of garbage. Before he could get back up, Anderson ran over and pressed his foot down on to the back of Alucard's head raising the blade up and piercing it through the lungs where it would cut into his heart onto the other side. The more the blade went smoothly through the vampire's body the harder Anderson pressed the sole of his boots down on the skull of the vampire until he could hear a soft snapping sound from one of his bones.

And then he stopped and took a step back pulling out two more blades while leaving the other one into his nemesis.

"Wow," he sighed,"That almost seemed...too easy..."

He moved his blades in the shape of a cross and waited for Alucard to raise up. He stood there patiently. Two minutes. Three minutes. Four. Finally after five minutes his arms were getting tired and he lowered them down. _Wait a minute_, he thought, _could this mean...?_

"YAY!" He shouted, "I DEFEATED ALUCARD!!!I AM THE BEST! I AM THE BEST!"

After during a lame little dance which involved running around in a small circle all over Alucard's motionless body, Anderson returned to his current position behind Alucard. Looking down at his nice, lean, body. He never realized it before, but Alucard was kind of cute when he laid down dead. Yeah...really good...I mean really, really, really, REALLY, REALLY, cute...so cute you just want to drag him to a secluded area (other than a dark alleyway) and then take off Alucard's pan-

"NO!" He snapped out of it.

How could think such things!?

It was bad enough that a monster violates you but you fantasing of violating a monster. That is suck-er, sick! SICK! Maxwell would never go for it, and he sure as heck would beat the crap out of him for even suggesting so. _Still, that vampire still was starting to look good_, he thought again, his eyes gazing over Alucard's back, _damn he is fine!_

Anderson slapped himself to stop thinking such naughty thoughts. What was wrong with him. Not only was it immoral and degenerate. It would make him a hypocrite. And once more, it would make Anderson just as worse as Alucard, maybe even more. He would show that demon that he was the pure one. That his existence was righteous. And that Alucard derserved going back to hell more so than any other filthy demon on the face of this earth. Besides, this was probably some 'last resort' black magic that Alucard was placing on him so that he would humilate Anderson and get the last word in edgewise. Father Anderson was never going to let that happen.

What if someone saw him doing it in the act?

Alucard would most definitely get a kick out of that!

"And another thing," he thought,"if I was to try and...violate him, I would be just like him, I would never allow myself to do that!"

"Very good!" said a cute little tiny voice,"two wrongs don't make a right!"

On his left shoulder was a little chibi replica of himself in a generic angel outfit complete with wings and a little halo. It seemed to have proofed out of thin air apparently and it sat down on Anderson's shoulder as happy as you please.

"Its wrong, and its immoral, not just to him, but in The Bible," replied his good conscience,"you shouldn't think of touching men like that anyway, even if he was a monster or not, it is just not right!"

"Oh screw it twinkle toes!" shouted a demonic voice coming from his right shoulder,"let him have his fun! Alucard derserves it for what he put our good friend through. Don't cha' buddy, huh?"

Anderson looked over and saw another little being that looked just like him. Even wearing the same priestly robes he dressed in, but unlike his little angelic companion, this one had red horns sticking out of his head and a red spikey tail carrying a pitchfork. And his grin was even more creepier than Anderson cared to imagine. It was his bad conscience.

"Do it! Show him whose boss," urged the devil conscience gestering towards Alucard's body with his pitchfork,"make him suffer, make him wish he had even been immortal, make him feel beaten and used up like he did to you. Its payback time! woot!"

"Now stop it, taking the high road is better in a situation like this," replied the angel conscience,"who are we to judge what Alucard has done, let God punish and give him a trail based on his merits not us, as the bible says 'judge not les ye be judge-"

"Oh shut up!" interrupted the devil conscience,"you wouldn't tell me you don't want to bruise up that piece of ass...come on Father Anderson...just one quickie and he will never know, no one will ever know...not Alucard...not Maxwell...not even The Pope...maybe bite his butt a little..."

"Father Anderson," gasped the angel conscience,"you should not, you didn't like it when he would touch you and rape you why should it be okay for you to do the same?"

"Because its funnnnnnnn," whispered the devil conscience in a sing-song tone,"come on, just one little penetration, he won't feel a thing-"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh...?" Father Anderson did nothing but listen to his consciences go back and forth telling him to either do or don't violate Alucard.

What was he to do? Alucard derserved every beating, torture, and embarrassment that hurt. Yet on the other hand, he was not God, what right did he have to do this. But if Alucard didn't know or feel it for that matter, he wouldn't find out, right?

"Take him to The Pope and let him deal with the vampire," said the angel conscience,"that is the right thing to do."

The Anderdevil snorted,"Huh, yeah right, and then have Maxwell take all the credit...over your dead body!"

AnderAngel replied sternly,"He would never do that, he is your friend and respects what you do!"

"And since when has he given him a raise?"

"That dosen't matter!" shouted AnderAngel,"what matters is we leave Alucard alone!"

" 'AnderAngel and Alucard sitting in a tree...K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes love and then comes-' "

"SHUT UP!" screamed AnderAngel,"DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!"

Meanwhile the stunned paladin couldn't help but be forced to hear the two consciences fighting back and forth as he stared down at Alucard; not in lust anymore. Fearfully hoping that he hadn't woken up and figured out what the three of them were talking about. Not wanting to let his guard down by sitting next to Alucard, he leaned against a nearby brick wall and crossed his arms boredly as his two consciences were arguing amongst themselves. His legs were starting to get tired just standing there contemplating the vampire's fate.

"Oh, big words coming from a guy who wears a dress," chided Anderdevil,"what are you going to do? Stab me with your little flowers?"

"Stop it, I am trying to make Anderson do the right thing and you are not even helping!"

"I am his bad conscience that is what I am suppose to do moron!"

"Don't call me a moron!"

"Yeah well you are."

"Look," said AnderAngel turning his attention to Anderson,"raping him is not the right thing to do, just because he is a monster dosen't mean that-"

While AnderAngel was lecturing to Anderson, Anderdevil made a face with his hand and put a little red fedora on it pretending to make out with it and mimicking AnderAngel's voice followed by loud kissing sounds. AnderAngel was trying to practice Jesus's plan of ignoring those that anger you by turning the other cheek and talking loudly over Anderdevil's loud 'make-out' taunt. But it just didn't seem to be working so well.

"'Oh Alucard...you are so hot...kiss kiss kiss kiss," the bad conscience said in a cutsy like angel voice,"'oh yes...yeah right there...I have been a bad angel mister vampire...make out with me...kiss kiss kiss kiss...smoochies!"

"-he used to be human and have feelings," continued AnderAngel getting slightly annoyed,"and...we should forgive our enemies...and...and...I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING BEHIND MY BACK, NOW KNOCK IT OFF!"

"Hahhahahaha, I am getting you all defensive," laughed Anderdevil putting away the small fedora,"what is the matter I thought you like Alucard or are you still going out with Bob?"

"Bob is not my boyfriend," shouted AnderAngel,"he is a good friend of mine and-"

"Yeah, a friend with benefits," Anderdevil whispered to Father Anderson,"maybe I should tell Bob that you are seeing Alucard behind his back oh, that would be so scandalous-"

"Knock it off," screamed AnderAngel,"we are getting off topic here...the point here is-"

"The point is," finished AnderDevil,"that you have the hots for Alucard that is why you want Anderson to leave him alone, because you love him...HAHAHAHA! YOU'RE GAY!"

"HOW DARE YOU-!?" ranted AnderAngel.

Apparently much to Father Anderson's luck he wasn't paying attention to what Anderdevil or AnderAngel were saying. Because at that moment, he could of sworn he saw a soft moan escape from Alucard's lips followed by the sound of boottips scraping against the hard cement ground. He stood up straight holding his knives tightly as his two consciences were ragging on each other just as much as Alucard and Anderson use to hurl insults at each other during combat.

"Uh...guys...?" Anderson gulped.

But the two consciences appeared to be blocking Father Anderson out.

"-and another thing, I am not going to stand here and have my sexuality questioned by the likes of you," snapped AnderAngel,"I least I don't lock my door every Friday night and masterbate with my trident you sick pervert!"

"Hey! That is none of your buisness fairy-boy, leave my trident and 'Little Anderdevil' out of this," retorted Anderdevil,"I least I don't have a blow-up doll that looks like Alec Baldwin."

"That is not a blow-up doll its a CPR dummy I use it for emergencies."

"Yeah...emergencies involving tongue action...I saw you that night!"

Alucard began to shift his weight

"Uh, um...g-guys..." Anderson choked fearfully.

"That could of been any other Angel!" screamed AnderAngel,"you have no proof!"

"I HAVE PICTURES!"

"SO IT WAS YOU OUTSIDE WITH THAT CAMERA!"

Father Anderson watched as Alucard raised his arm up and started to painfully remove the blade from his back.

"GUYS! GUYS! WHAT DO I DO!?" The Paladin panicked.

"Do you want to start something goat-head!" growled AnderAngel,"because I have had it up to here with your meddling, prepare to get your ass whooped!"

"Just make sure you don't break a nail Nancey-Sue!" chuckled AnderDevil meanly.

"GUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYSSSSSSS!"

The two conscience symbolic beings screamed in unison: "WHAT!?!"

AnderDevil and AnderAngel were becoming quite annoyed that thier fight was being interuppted by the same guy they were suppose to be counciling to in the first place, and then they saw it, Alucard had pulled the blade fully out of his body and healed himself, staring directly at them and laughing menacingly. And here, if you used your imagination during this whole crackfic, you would of seen them doing a awesomely dramatic eyeshot of all three of Father Anderson beings. Which is my favorite out of the whole manga action or the OVA if you so prefer.

"I was wondering what was taking you so long to finish me off Judas Priest," snickered Alucard as he raised his gloved hands near to his face,"like what you see...?"

"We're screwed," shuddered AnderAngel,"and not in a good way..."

"Yeah, you should know," started AnderDevil,"by the way did Bob ever call you after your date last night?"

"Shut up!" snapped AnderAngel.

Before Father Anderson could say "Hail Mary" three times, Alucard began to recite those infamous words that would speak of a victim's ultimate demise: "The Cromwell Approval is now in effect..."

All three Andersons let out a scream.

999999999999999999999999999999999999

**Back At the Vatican in Rome.**

Father Anderson was bleeding from head to toe as Yumie applied First Aide on the priest. When she was finished, she left the infirmery and went to fetch Father Maxwell, leaving Anderson alone in the room sitting at the edge of one of the beds. His head was bandaged and he had a leg cast while holding onto a wooden crutch in his left hand. A soft gauze was placed over his right eye and band-aides were situated around his face. He had looked like a soldier wounded in the thick of battle.

As soon as the door closed the two consciences popped out looking no worse than Father Anderson did. AnderDevil was in a wheelchair with a neckbrace and AnderAngel was sporting a arm cast with a sling tucked into it.

"I didn't know he could beat us both with his hellhound," said AnderAngel,"I guess you learn something new everyday don't you guys?"

Anderson and AnderDevil said nothing.

"Well," drawled AnderAngel trying to pipe up a conversation,"oh look, Yumie dropped her rosary beads, you should pick it up and give it to her before communion today-"

"Oh why bother Anderson," slyed Anderdevil, getting back into the saddle again,"she has plenty of them, just take it she won't notice one missing-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Father Anderson suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs,"YOU TWO ARE THE WORST CONSCIENCES I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING PRESENTED WITH BY THE LORD'S GOOD GRACES! YOU TWO DIDN'T EVEN DO YOUR JOBS! GET OUT! JUST GET OUT!"

"But...But...But.." They tried to explain

"I SAID GET OUT!"

They held thier heads in shame (well, except for AnderDevil because of the neckbrace) seeing how they failed to council Anderson and instead put thier petty scrawble as top prioty, it was obvious that their big Conscience Boss would have thier heads for sure. And with that, they poofed away from Anderson's shoulders just as Maxwell came in. And he was not looking too happy at this paladin at this moment. Not even stopping to say how he was feeling after a huge fight with the deadly Alucard.

"What the hell Anderson!" he screamed,"I heard from Father Renaldo when you got back that you just stood there while Alucard was down and didn't do anything, what kind of vampire slayer are you?"

"But," he stuttered,"I-I-I can e-explain sir..."

"Explain nothing," shouted Maxwell pointing his finger at Anderson's face,"I don't know what the hell you were thinking, but there will be no pay raise for you until you fly right!"

"Yes sir..." he sighed, and then with his crutch got up and walked sadly out of the infirmery.

As soon as Father Anderson left to lay down in his room and rengerate his body, two little Maxwell consciences appeared to the right and left of his shoulders, each dressed the same as him except one had a halo and wings and the other had horns and a spiked tail.

"You might have been a little hard on him," spoke MaxAngel,"after all, he is your best paladin, and your friend..."

"He got what he deserved," replied MaxDevil,"I know what will make you feel better, want to go use the cameras you bugged all over the Hellsing Manor to spy on Integra getting undressed again in her bedroom?"

Maxwell shrugs casually,"Yeah, lets do it."

MaxAngel spoke up,"Can I come too?"

"No!" The two of them said heading towards the infirmery door leaving the door MaxAngel behind hovering in midair with a sad dejected look on his face.

"I always get left out." sighed MaxAngel as he poofed away.

**THE END!**

**I guess that can explain part of Father Anderson's religous nutty-ness. And I thought of having Maxwell have a little devil and angel of his own but from the looks of it he probably listens to his devil more than his angel. Thus explains the ending. And maybe Anderson will get some better consciences eh? Read and Review what you think of it. If its possible maybe I will make it into a couple of one-shot series involving the other Hellsing characters and thier "shoulder angel and devil" guides but whether by flames, praise, suggestions, or reviews I did it because it has been swimming in my head for some time and I wanted it down on paper so to speak. So now that its done I can relax and go onto other stories. Thank you.**

**See ya laters! And Thank you for those that make the AxAA slashes. I never would of thought of this story without you. Keep those little beauties coming from one AxAA fan to another.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Heh heh, thank you to those that reviewed the first chapter. And to those that are just tuning in welcome! This is a series of oneshots where we witness the strange interactions between some of the character's shoulder angels. As we can see Anderson has some pretty crappy ones (which probably explains alot) some of them may contain the basis of crude, sexual, and or violent humor that may not be appropiate for younger or sensitive pansy people...or yeah and some adult language too.**

**But its all in good crazy OOC crackfic fun! I might even add some crack pairings in the mix depending on my mood...MWHAHHAHAHA!**

**Enjoy!**

**In this week's chapter we deal with Alucard little shoulder angels...GASP! Yes he has some too...WATCH! They are going to help him survive a one-night stand with someone you will least expect! Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuunnnnnnn!**

**Disclaimers: I don't own Hellsing or its characters (and I think Alucard, Anderson, and Hans thank God every night for it...but you just wait...THEY WILL BE MINE...heh heh)**

Its was a nice evening (which would be morning to vampires) after defeating Anderson and humilating him once again, he got drunk on a bunch of alchoholic mens' blood and the rest of the night became nothing more than a blur however all he remembered was picking up some chick and taking her back to Hellsing. Since Integra was out traveling abroad with Walter and Seras was out with Pip at a fancy bed and breakfast, he figured how much fun it would if he and his little lady friend had some fun under the bedsheets of his master's bed. And they certainly did. All that flashed through his head was how kinky they acted as well as get into Integra's personal belongings and either broke them or damaged them in some other way that could never get them repaired again even by the most expert of fixers. But even those memories were vague pieces of a puzzle he was too buzzed to put back together again.

The sound of birds from the rose garden was the first thing that hit his ears, instead of a soothing euthoria in his mind like it would most people (normal ones that is) it slammed into his sore aching head like a sledgehammer of God. Hangovers were the only thing he didn't miss upon being human that and nausea you get when what you just had or drank for that matter last night starts coming up. When Alucard slowly opened his eyes he found himself entirely naked in Integra's bedroom with his clothes strewened in one half of the room, and a heavy black dress, camosille, and panties strewned on the other half of the room.

But not just any room he suddenly realized

It was his master's room!

"What the hell happened last night," he mumbled through the pillow,"I haven't got this wasted since we celebrated after the end of WW2."

Just then he heard the soft sleepy moan of a woman beside him, his mind panicked thinking that he had done it with Integra or a street corner prostitute, but when he looked over he saw a beautiful oriental-looking woman with long wavy ebony hair roll over to his side of the bed giving Alucard a clear view of her face. He rubbed his eyes and focused on the main features of her body as it gave off a faint but alarming sense of familiarity of this woman. He had meet her somewhere but where?

He looked around carefully seeing if anything would tip him off. On the knocked over beside stand when they were at thier most kinkiest last night rested a pair of small glasses, now who does he know that wears glasses and is a woman. He looked over at the girl sleeping beside him (breathing a sigh of relief when he realized that she was not underage) then looked over at the glasses, after a while he looked back over at the girl. And then the glasses. Next the girl. Then the glasses...

Girl...

Glasses...

Girl...

Glasses...

Interesting sword...

Glasses...

Girl...

SWORD!!!?!!?!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He screamed,"Yumie! I mean...Yumiko...Yumi...iko...OH HOLY SHIT!"

The only sound that answered him was a soft cute little snore coming from the Japanese woman laying beside him. The vampire suddenly saw a tiny poof of smoke appear before him and was face-to-face with his tiny chibi self with white wings and a halo. He screeched and pulled the covers up to hide his man boobies.

"W-Who are you?" he asked getting more freaked out than he previously was before.

"I am your good conscience," said AluAngel,"now that you have a hangover I can easily manipu-I mean...talk to you better."

"Aren't I suppose to have a bad conscience as well," the vampire asked as he got himself out of bed and serched for his clothes,"where is he?"

"Silly, you don't have a bad conscience, you are a total nightmare all by yourself."

"Yay." came a half-hearted reply from Alucard as he started to pull on his pants.

Just then the sound of a car pulled into the driveway followed by the metal squeal of the gates.

"Oh crap," fretted Alucard,"Integra is home, she is going to kill me, and I am talking as a figure of speech I mean literally prevent me from coming back from the dead, what do I do?"

"Well, I think you should-HEY!"

Sadly, Alucard grabbed Yumie's habit and ran over to her side of the bed. He poked her constantly until she emerged streching her arms like she had the best nap in creation. She looks over and sees the face of the No Life King, but with a added surprise she says: "Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

"Oh yeah," shifty eyes,"baby...that was great...but you have to leave now."

"What, why?"

"Because uh..."

AluAngel appeared beside his right shoulder,"Tell her the truth..."

"Ummm...you...because...I have to leave for a mission!"

"But...its only six o'clock...maybe I can help you..."

"AHHHH!" His heart beat faster as soon as the door sounded,"NO NO NO! UH...They are probably expecting you! Please...go...NOW!"

"Alucard," she whispered, her voice becoming how and sinister,"is there something you are not telling me?"

He could hear the sound of Integra's footsteps coming up the stairs.

"No, seriously, you have to leave because I have a mission to do," blood sweated profusely from his forehead,"and uh, uh, uh, y-you have to get back to Italy, I am sure that they are probably wondering where you are by now..."

"Alucard listen to me," said the AluAngel,"you shouldn't lie to her just tell her that you two got drunk and slept in Sir Integra's bedchamber last night-"

"WE WHAT!?!??!"

"...and that Sir Integra is coming, she is going to find out anyway.."

"I THOUGHT THIS IS SOME CLASSY HOTEL ROOM!?"

Alucard grabbed his AluAngel and shook him like a baby,"Damn you little guy why do I need something like you in the first place I am the great Alucard I can sleep with any bitch I want without knowing the consequences, get out of here-GET! SHOO!"

With his mighty arms Alucard threw AluAngel across the room where he slammed into the wall and slide down to the floor with a dazed look on his face. When he came to he saw Yumie's good conscience with her glasses along with a halo and wings while the bad conscience looked more like Yumiko (no glasses) with red horns and a spikey tail. Yumie comes over and helps AluAngel up to his feet. They appeared to be under a bed since the wall that Alucard threw his good conscience at was behind the four poster bed.

"Where did you guys come from?" he asked them.

"Oh us," replied Yumie,"we got knocked off after our host gave your host a lap dance last night, we tried to reach her but she wouldn't listen to us, she was too drunk."

"Yeah, mine just thinks he is 'hot-stuff' to even listen to me," scoffed AluAngel,"pffft, vampires, go figure."

"Enough talk," screamed Yumiko,"I am bored, lets have a orgy!"

"Ah great," sighed Yumie fluttering her tiny white wings in annoyance,"here she goes again!"

"Take off your pants!"

"No!"

"I am going to take them off for you!" screamed the evil Yumiko as she chased AluAngel around the bottom of the bed.

Meanwhile the real Alucard and Yumiko were staring down each other, one holding a the other at bladepoint with her sword, while the other, a bit regrettable that he left his guns downstairs in the kitchen was backing away slowly wearing only his pants and red overcoat. His hands came up defensively.

"Look Yumiko," he tried to explain,"its not what you think...I was...I was...I swear I didn't know this was Integra's room, I swear to every god ever made that I am not trying to get you to betray Iscariot. Now she is coming up the stairs can you please get dressed and leave now!"

"Betray," she screamed,"this isn't about tricking me into betraying Iscariot, who do you think you are-giving me the best sex of my life and then telling me to leave just like that!? Is that all I get a 'Wam Bam Thank you Ma'am' how insulting, no one walks out on Yumiko, and I mean no one!"

"Look I-!"

The moment Sir Integra walked up to her bedroom door to get changed she heard the sounds of blood splashing against the walls and a mix of a man's screams of pain followed by a angery woman's hellish shrieks. She took her gun from underneath her suit and put the safety off ready to protect herself against anything that she might encounter. After a minute or so the noise died down and she carefully opened the door. Inside her room it looked like nothing short than a slaughter house. Blood painted the ceilings and walls as she looked down and saw body chunks of a man with dark-hair and red eyes scattered amongst the floor. Blood fell like raindrops over her head and she looked to see a cryptic message written in Alucard's blood:

**_EITHER CALL ME TONIGHT OR DIE YOU FILTHY HARLOT OF HELLSING AND IF YOU DON'T I WILL SEND THE POPE IN TO RAPE YOU AND MAKE YOU DRINK IT LIKE THE PITIFUL CUNT THAT YOU ARE!!! SIGNED YUMI AND YUMIKO_**

Like the Iron Maiden that she was. She did not scream in fear or panic like other women would upon seeing words written in blood on thier ceiling. Instead she walked over to her dressor table taking off her earrings and picked up Alucard's decapitated head. Letting out a sigh she walked over to the bed smelling of blood and sex, being careful not to get some on her as she sat down on the far corner of the four poster bed.

"I leave you alone for one day," she lectured solemnly,"and this is what happens?"

"I was...I was drunk." said the vampire's head.

"I am afraid that I have no choice but to make you call her tonight for another date," sighed Integra,"because I sure as hell don't want the Pope coming over here...now if you excuse me I have to send Walter to clean up this mess."

She threw Alucard's head aside carelessly and walked back downstairs to fetch her butler. Just as she was out the door she stopped suddenly feeling her shoe land on something soft and squishy. She lifted up her shoe and saw a small flat red and black mark.

"Ewww," she grimaced as she scrapped it off and walked away,"I stepped on a bug."

Behind her, a flattened Alucard Angel and Yumiko Devil were laying there dazed and disoriented from getting stepped on.

**TBC**

**I hope you enjoy it. Yeah, I get the feeling that Alucard isn't really a commitment type of guy, and also I always like the idea of a AlucardxYumie pairing that is why I did this. Who else do you want to see get in trouble with thier good and bad shoulder angels? Let me know. And happy writings!**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: **Sorry for the wait. I am glad you all liked my shoulder angel adventure stories involved with some of our favorite Hellsing (and Iscariot characters) Okay. I have seen all of your suggestions and I will get to them as much as I can. Here is the first one: Seras. Oh sure, she is a goody two-shoes, she isn't as bad as Alucard her master, right? **

**Well...I guess we will see... heh heh. Thanks to DemonsWolf for giving me the idea to do Seras. Lets see what trouble we can get in her in. Shall we?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing or its characters.**

**Warning: Some language.**

Unbeknowest that her master had gotten his ass kicked by a hot, naked, Japanese nun with multiple personality disorders, Seras and Pip were at a bed and breakfast enjoying thier weekend. Although it was hard for Seras the vampire babe to enjoy the food like Pip did. The cooks who were paid by Integra cooked all her meals in blood so she could be able to digest it better. And for a extra bonus of sparing thier lives they had to use Alucard's blood which he donated willingly to them.

Right now Pip and Seras had just finished thier meals and they were waiting for the waitress to clear the plates away.

"How waz yur meal mignotte," he asked,"nezz?"

"Oh it was wonderful, and the blood really made the potatoes nice and moist." she exclaimed getting a few awkward stares from other people near thier table.

Seras blushed,"Uh, what I meant to say is...'Mmmmmmm that ketcheup sure was good...HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!"

Pip buried his face in his hands and sighed,"Ugh, zis is so not worth playing 'bunker hill' with my G.I Joe dolls on her funbags."

"What was that Pip?"

"Nonzing! NONZING!!!!" He said quickly, he then got into his seductive side again,"So, 'ow you feel about dessert?"

"Wonderful!" she clapped happily like a excited six year old.

So two desserts were ordered. One was blood chilled to make it look like fried ice cream. While the other was given to Pip was her absolute favorite when she was a human: A chococalate mousee with whip cream and a cherry on top. She looked down at her own dessert and took a small spoonful taking it up to her mouth with a hesitant gulp. Ugh, cold blood was gross, how did her master think that she would like it? He always drank it cold and felt she had to drink it cold as well. Well, it was not done. When it congealed and harden it was like eating a rotassarie chicken that was cold and the fat...enough to to make you gag...it was no fair sometimes to date a human.

Seras saw him looking up at her and she smiled back falsely, pretending she was enjoying her dessert, just as he was about to make a dent in his mousee. The cellphone rang.

"Damn," he said looking at his cell,"and I thought I put the damn theeng on silence. Eet's an important call."

He got up and put it to his ear while glancing over at Seras.

"Will you watch my dessert for me while I take zis outside...don't want any flies to get eet..."

"Sure," smiled Seras,"take your time!"

As he left to the sun porch overlooking a beautiful lake. Seras took another disgusting gulp of her "blood ice cream" and then dropped wearily. Though her stomach could no longer maintain solid human food that mousee looked so good and ever so tasty. But she promised that she would not eat it. Wait a minute...

"He didn't say to 'not eat it'," she heards a mischevious voice on the left side of her shoulder say,"he said watch it, besides, what is the harm in smelling it?"

On her left was a chibi version of herself with a devil's horns sticking out of the side of her head and a long forked tail growing out of her butt. It had the same expression that she had when undergoing bloodlust and ripping apart the ghouls during the Valentine invasion. But the horns and tail just added to the demonic creepiness that was her evil shoulder angel.

"I-It does look good," she said licking her lips,"but he has been such a gentleman lately..."

"So," the bad Seras whispered into her ear,"he won't notice the difference, just say that your dessert fell on the floor and offer to share his?"

"Welll...I guess..."

"Seras Victoria!" came a sharp whiny voice,"you got a blood ice cream and you are going to eat it like a good vampire!"

"Master...?"

"No, on your right shoulder," it continued,"honestly, do you think I sound like him...?"

The vampire fledgling looked over and saw another chibi version of her with white wings and a halo glowing over her head.

"Okay, I think I have seen enough cartoons to know how this works." Seras said.

"Oh really?" They said at the same time.

"Yes, one of you tells me to eat the mousee," explains Seras,"the other says to not because its rightfully not yours...well...I WANT TO EAT IT BUT I CAN'T!!!!"

Once again, the people around her table looked over like she was crazy. Which some would think that she might have been. Seras blushed and covered her mouth with her hands at her outburst. Gazing her eyes back and forth at everyone slouching down in her seat. Luckily enough, only Victoria could see and hear the shoulder angels on her left and right sides. Which made talking to them a bit more embarrassing.

"Look, can we do this some other time?" whispered Seras.

"Oh sure," snickered the seras devil,"by all means...enjoy that mousee while you can..."

"No! Don't you dare!" scolded Good Seras,"that is wrong. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

For a tiny being, Seras angel was a big loudmouth and screamed right into her ear, which combined with her vampiric sensitivity made her flinch so quickly she bumped her elbow against the side of her table knocking her "ice cream" off the table and into a huge reddish glob of a mess. She ran over to a counter grabbed a bunch of napkins and cleaned up the mess on the floor while her two shoulder angels sat on the table waiting for her to get back in her chair before gliding back up to her shoulders and perching on them.

"Geez," scoffed the devil Seras,"could you scream any louder? What a whiner!"

"I don't whine!"

Seras flinched from Angel Seras's voice again.

"Sorry," Angel Seras repeated this time in a softer voice,"I don't whine."

"I guess the only thing left is Pip's chococalate mousee," Devil Seras said seductively,"look how delicious it is...how silky smooth, mmmmm, remember how you used to love them. The deep dark chococalate, the whip cream-"

"I never put whip cream on mine" interuppted Seras.

"-okay forget it, the point is, look at it and dare to not drool." urged Devil Seras.

Angel Seras soon felt herself staring longingly at the moist delicous chococalate mousee. Her arms and legs were hung akimbo as she was flapping slowly feeling the allure of the dessert calling her. A tiny bit of drool fell from the corner of her mouth.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

"Uh, Angel Seras," Victoria said worridly thinking this isn't the way her shoulder angel was suppose to be acting,"are you all right?"

"MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! GET AWAY ITS MINE YOU BITCHES YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! WOOOOOOOT"

In no time at all, Angel Seras flew at the mousee and took a swan dive into the thicken pudding, swimming around happily eating as much chococalate as she could fit into her mouth. Seras and her bad shoulder angel looked at each other and shrugged thier shoulders.

_When in Rome..._

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

By the time Pip got back inside and over to thier table, he was all ready to eat his chococalate mousee. However, it was Sir Integra that was on the phone telling them that a bunch of ghouls were sighted around some-Street or other. Probably some quarter in London that Alucard or Seras would know. The moment he sat down in his chair something didn't seem quite right. The fancy dish seemed a tad...empty.

He looked up and saw Seras with her mouth covered in chococalate.

As well as her fangs and fingers.

"You ate my dessert," he gasped,"I can't believe you, and to think I was going to do that 'zhing" you liked...you know, that 'zhing' we always did when..."

"I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" Seras takes a big gasp"-oooooooooooooooooooo SWORRY!"

She stood up in her chibi dream with her hands clasped together and her eyes sparkling as her boobs were mushed together into one glorious mold that she hoped with all her endowed heart that it would make him feel sorry for her.

"I tried, I honest to goodness tried," She made her eyes big and watery as she spoke in a sugery sweet tone,"oh please have mercy, I am ever so sorry!"

"That may work for Big Red," snuffed Pip,"but I am not so eazily fooled, I was going ze tell you that we have to protect downtown London from saz szarm of ghoulz but now after you betrayed miz trust I don't know if I 'eel comfortzable fighting along zide you."

Staring quickly at her ass as he added,"Though itz ze guen' to be hard to tryz."

Seras runs over to Pip and hugs him so tightly he lets out a mouse-like squeak,"No Pip no! Without you who can I use to distract-Uh, I mean, help me fight the ghouls in case that...um, Master...er...uh...Fine..."

She lets go of him,"Just go, I will walk behind you."

"You alwayz walk behindz ze."

"Yeah but this time its going to be more of a punishment for me than for you."

"Whatz?"

As they walked outside across the parking lot of the bed and breakfast hotel they passed by some of the ghouls already grabbing people out of cars and biting them on the way to Pip's car. He opened the door for her as she got in taking one last look of her ass as he did and shut the door. Behind them as they drove away they could hear the sound of men, woman, and children screaming out in fear and pain admist the ghouls eirry moans.

_Why do I have a feeling I forgot something_? Seras asked herself.

Back in the bed and breakfast that was quickly being swarmed with ghouls and vampires two shoulder beings were laying on a napkin rubbing thier full stomachs with look of content on thier faces as bodies were torn apart and faces were getting eaten up. Neither one failed to notice that the quiet little eatery was becoming a carnage of blood and rotten flesh.

"I must say this place does serve the best desserts," said Angel Seras,"we certainly should come here more often."

"Oh yes," said Devil Seras politely,"perhaps when its our host's birthday-"

She looks behind her witnessing the ghouls devouring the flesh of the dead customers.

"-provided that there is anything left to salvage in this place."

**TBC**

**Awwww, will Pip ever forgive Seras, will they save the bed and breakfast...maybe whose to say.**

**I want to thank everyone who has given me good reviews and suggestions for this fic. I appreciate that. Next up will be Integra, as soon as I can find something for her to make her NOT do that she REALLY REALLY wants to do. Hehehehehehe! And keep those ideas coming!**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N**: Welcome to another chapter of "Little Angel and Devils" we have here a scene with Sir Integra. Now I admit, she was the hardest to do, because she is the head of Hellsing and pretty much its in her character to do whatever she wants. But thanks to someone on here who gave me a idea (pulling a prank on Alucard) I will finally be able to get a story up for her! YAY! Thanks to monkeygodlace for this idea, or for suggesting something. Either way I couldn't do it without them. Which goes to show keep those suggestions coming people-don't be shy ;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing or its characters. Though if I did I would totally own Alucard the "vampire sex god" LMAO! Also please forgive me if I messed up The Major's accent, foreign accents are hard for me to write just so you know.**

**Warning: Violence, language, images of gross fish guts and some brief nudity (hee hee)**

That bastard! How dare he, how dare he humilate her like that in front of her own men! RIGHT in front of the men that she was training for!

It all began when she was giving the new rookies a pep talk. It was all the basics: "Hi welcome to 'blah blah blah blah' my name is Integra something something Hellsing and this is Hellsin of course-damn that sounded lame-we are here to train you to fight vampires and stuff so if you keep your heads out of your asses during battle you will have the less likely chance of being a ghoul and 'yadda yadda yadda'-"

Yeah, it all went off to a hitch.

And that was when she had to leave the room for a minute to powder her nose. She excused herself elegantly and strode to the ladies restroom in the training hall. As she was about to make herself comfortable on her toilet the intercom crackled to life. Thinking it was just Walter about to give out his weekly reports she paid it no mind. But then when HIS voice came on. She was shocked to find out what came out of her disobedient servant's mouth next.

"_Hi, I am Integra," _Said the voice in a high-tone nasually voice_,"and I think of myself so high and mighty that my shit smells like roses and daisies and other gay-ass flowers! Also Major Montana Max is the hottest nazi in Millenium. I dream of marrying him and having fifty sons and sixty daughters. Too bad I don't have that great hot well-toned butt like the uber-awesome Alucard the great! Because I have a saggy butt that sits on its romp all day playing 'AdventureQuest' on the computer instead of giving her totally cool 'if it wasn't for him I would be totally pwned by my loser uncle Richard' pet Lord Alucard the Vampire Sex God a raise in blood packet rations-I waste my money on..."_

"ALUUUUUUUCAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!"

She dashed out of the bathroom over the roaring laughter of the men nearly toppling out of their chairs the more Alucard talked: "_Now I am going to serenade my lovey-dovey boyfriend Majar Max with my beautiful armpit music..." _Followed by wet farting noises of Alucard tucking his hand underneath his suit coat and flapping his bent arm to the tune of "Unchained Melody". Holding in his own dark forboding snickering. Integra burst into the room in front of the men giving them a cold icy glare that halted thier laughter for about five minutes.

And then started another chain of uproarious laughter much to thier discretion, directly at Sir Integra.

She ran out of that bathroom so fast that she tripped and fell flat on her face. Her pants were around her ankles as were her boxers, so her bare ass was exposed to half of London's finest in the police, military, SAS, Scotland Yard, and FBI whose faces were beaming as red as a tomatoe. She was angry. Furious at her vampire for his childish pranks. Quickly, Integra pulled her pants up and leaving Walter in charge to ease the men down she sprinted to the office where the microphone to the intercoms were located; when she got there the desk was empty and there was no Alucard the so-called "Vampire Sex God" in sight.

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That afternoon Integra paced around her desk rueing spitefully at Alucard. That was one joke too many. He had gone too far. Now it was her turn. When her organization was under attacked, she showed her teeth and proved that they were just as sharp and deadly as any other vampire. Now, the only thing under attack was her pride. She had to find a way to get Alucard back.

But how was the main question?

Other than her own life what else did he hold dear?

Then it hit her. His coffin.

The next hour she had gone into a fishing store near the piers and bought a bucket load of fish guts. Then when she returned to the manor she snuck in around the back and entered through the secret passage ways that would lead into Alucard's chambers. He was out teaching Seras how to be a vampire so he wouldn't be back for a while yet, she figured, all she had to do was dump the rotten fish guts into the coffin and wait until he turned in for the night. As she walked through the passage way holding her breath, she came upon the secret doorway that lead into his room and came upon the coffin that he slept nice, open, and smelling of that Frebreeze stuff.

"Hehehehehe," she snickered as she raised the bucket up and tilted it over his coffin bedsheets,"payback is a bitch isn't it vampire?"

"Integra no," said a tiny chibi replica of her with white wings and a halo over her head,"don't do it!"

"No Integra do it," added a tiny chibi replica of her with horns, a tail, and a cigar in her hand,"do it, do it, do it-he is going to enjoy the smell of fish in the morning."

"Sir Integra," scolded her angel,"what you are doing is immature and wrong, what would your father think if he was alive to see you putting fish guts in Alucard's coffin?"

"Well if he hadn't said those embarrassing things and made you come out with your pants around your ankles in front of the rookies than you wouldn't have to be doing this," explained the bad shoulder angel,"he started it and now finish it!"

"But think of all the good times!" The shoulder angel begged fluttering in front of Integra pleading,"think of the times when he protected you and this organization are you going to let one little prank ruin your friendship?"

"We are not friends." Integra stated.

"Okay then lovers..."

"Ewwwwww!"

"OKAY THEN!" cried the good shoulder angel desperately,"shame on you, just because you are his master dosen't give you the right to destroy his personal property and abuse him like this, he has thoughts and feelings just like everyone else around here! You are a bad master Sir Integra, a bad master that should learn the error of your ways because these pranks back and forth will led to your downfall and pretty soon Alucard will get tired of these-"

While Integra angel was lecturing, devil Integra was busy filing her nails whistling

"-practical jokes soon enough. He has done alot over the years for you and Hellsing, plus, have you seen him when he gets angry! You have, haven't you!?! Just imagine how upset he is going to be when he finds rotten fish guts in his coffin that is his pride and joy; the only souvenior of his freedom as a nobleman of monsters before being forced to work here. How would you like it if Alucard was to draw a cariture doodle on the portrait of Lord Arthur Hellsing, you would hate that, sometimes you need to think about the needs of others before yourself..."

"Sorry," piped up Sir Integra putting down the bucket,"I wasn't listening what did you say?"

"Whew!" squealed Devil Integra,"that sure does stink!"

Angel Integra looked down and saw that the inside of Alucard's coffin was briming with smelly rotten globs of purplish red sinewery organs and bio-organic instestines that began to stick to the silky fabric of the coffin's lining. In no time at all the flies were swarming over the vampire's bed in a hazy cloud of blacken flies and gnats. Angel Integra's eyes dropped and her eyes popped out very anime-like. All this time she was trying to explain why not to, Integra already did it.

"SIR INTEGRA!" screamed the Angel,"haven't you been listening to a word I say?!"

"No." She said very straight foreward.

"But, but, I am your SHOULDER ANGEL!" She screamed,"devil angel why didn't you say anything!?"

"Because I didn't feel like it." lights up another cigar and offers it to the large human Integra who takes it greatfully,"anyway lighten up, that vein is popping on your forehead again."

"Dammit you never listen to me Integra!" shrieked the good shoulder angel getting very upset,"this is like when you were ten and you threw Walter's underwear up that tree, I said no, but you did it anyway and then you got grounded for twelve months! YOU WANNA BE GROUNDED FOR TWELVE MONTHS! DO YA!?!?!?"

The angel takes out a pair of metal balls and rolls them around in the palm of her hands getting very stressed out.

"Well," sighed the devil shoulder angel,"I think my work is done, who wants to get wasted?"

"But you didn't do anything," said Integra Angel,"what do you mean your work is done?"

"What I do is sit there and keep your happy little naggy ass make the situation worse by borning the host to death so that she does the bad stuff anyway just so she has something other to do than listen to you." Integra Devil laughed evily.

"I really don't care either way." Shrugged Sir Integra lazily.

"Oh you will when he gets back," screamed Integra Angel,"the sun is starting to come up-!"

_"Okay police girl,"_ They heard Alucard's voice say after the door to the basement slammed shut_,"that was good, but your bleeding needs a little work, the next lesson is how to escape from your coffin in case of a vampire hunter daytime attack. We will use my coffin for the lesson, but for now we must rest..."_

_"_Oh shit they are coming," freaked Integra Angel,"we have to clean up this mess and-HEY WHERE ARE YOU TWO GOING!?!?!'

She looked over to see Integra and Devil Integra going through the secret doorway that was used opposite of the main door which Alucard was nearing very quickly. Angel Integra was still hovering over the fishy gut-infested coffin, feeling her heart skip a beat the moment the door knob turned.

"No! Don't leave me here!" They heard behind them as the door fully opened, Angel Integra had no choice but to puff out.

As Sir Integra walked down the passageway back to her office she stiffled a giggle when she heard Alucard saying that he was going to take a quick nap before visiting Anderson.

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Four hours had passed since Integra put the fish guts in the coffin. She was sitting by her desk, approving the order for amesnia tablets that were to be given to all of the new recruits. Which she joylously made no qualms about of course. Devil Integra was doing a crossword puzzle leaning against the side of the phone. Everything right now was quiet and peaceful. Walter informed her that Alucard was fighting Father Anderson so she took the time she could to get extra work done.

Just then she heard a chorus of cats mewling and the maids in the hallway laughing, as she looked up she saw Alucard push through the door and fell face first on the carpet with his hat tilted to one side and his glasses nowhere to be found on him. Cats clung to his pants and coat meowing, licking, pawing, and sucking on the fabric of Alucard's clothes. While peering through the open door were pretty maids pointing and laughing calling him "Fishycard".

Knowing what might have transpired, but dying to hear it coming from his mouth anyway, she asked: "How was your day today Alucard?"

"HORRIBLE!" He screamed prying a calico from his scalp,"It was just horrible! I was so tired, I misted into my coffin and slept, than afterwards I tracked down the Judas Priest supervising a field trip to a animal shelter and that was when THEY came at me...little green eyes and claws, and fur and whiskers...so many whiskers...kittens are the worst...they gang on you when you least expect it! Oh, they seem cute, but when you are distracted, they trip you...AND YOU ARE DOWN! YOU ARE DOWN!"

Integra and her devil counterpart watched amused as Alucard flinched everytime a cat attached to his shoulder made a hacking sound.

"Anderson was laughing," sobbed Alucard dragging himself towards the desk,"laughing and telling the kids, 'Look children Alucard likes to play with little kittens!' and they all laughed, and the boys said that I was a wuss," pants and gasps"-I just wanted to die...seriously...just die...I got out as fast as I could with over sixteen cats clammering onto me like Police Girl on her most clingest day. When I got there, the maids were flocking around me so I thought 'hey, not so bad, I can hit on them with a few kittens, snatch a bit of blood from the scratches that occur and stuff...' and then...then...THEN-!"

"Get to the point Alucard," she sighed scribbling something down on a folder,"I don't have all day."

"That was when...it got bad...they said I smelled, and they laughed at me, because they said I smelled like 'fish-heads' and some of them were even singing that song "Fish Heads" all the laughing, I don't make the maids laugh I make them swoon, it was so humilating...so embarrassing..."

His eyes stared up at Integra deeply, and glowed like two shiny rubies in the black ink well of the night,"Then I went to my coffin," he seethed in a low threatening baritone voice,"and it was filled with...FISH GUTS!"

Suddenly Angel Integra poofed beside Alucard pointing at her host,"She did it!" it said accusingly,"I tried to stop her, she wouldn't listen to me, she dumped it all in your coffin!"

"**_WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!?!"_**

Integra Angel levitated herself out of reach of a playful one month old kitten as she contiued,"Yes, I am sorry Integra, but what you did was wrong-GHACK!"

Sir Integra grabbed her gun and shot Angel Integra in the right wing making it fall to the ground painfully."

"You bitch," screamed Sir Intgera,"you sold me out! You sold me out! Angel Devil, tell her that she sold you out...!"

"Oh yeah, she did," muttered Integra Devil trying to find the answer to 13 across,"she did, Integra Angel is a nasty-ass skank that should mind her own business."

The room grew darker which the cats didn't seem to notice, however when Sir Integra saw that the lamps and lightbulbs dimmed without the add of a switch then that meant only one thing: Alucard was pissed off. She stood up and walked carefully over to him with her gun drawn.

"Don't even think about killing me," she whispered,"you can't kill me over a pile of fishguts...what would Abraham and Father think, huh? Remember, you were sworn not to kill me. Remember...?"

The vampire pulled three cats from his legs and stood up, even with a bunch of cuddly kittens hanging from his shoulders he still looked frighting and murderous like a serial killer on LSD ready to paint the town red with the blood of innocents. He gritted his fangs so hard together that drops of blood spilled from the corner of his mouth scrapping against the gumline. He looked like a vicious monster that he truely was depicted as in the Stoker novel. Sir Integra stepped backwards, but kept her face as cold as stone to not show any fear in front of her monster although it was slowly fading away into nervousness.

"Murder," he growled lustfully,"oh no my master...no...no...I told you once before as a child, that the coffin to a vampire is like a part of thier soul, and anyone that wrecks it will be punished accordingly. And that is what I intend to do to you..."

There was a dark moment of silence between the Vampire and the Hellsing woman that was broken when Devil Integra spoke up and said,"What is a four letter word for human feces that can also be used as a minor cuss word?"

"Crap..." Said Sir Integra, as a cuss that she was in trouble and as a answer to Devil Integra's crossword question.

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In a secret nazi headquarters, Maxwell was sitting on his chair when he saw Schrodinger's cat ears pick up and ran from Maxwell's side.

"Ah they are hvere," he replied in his strong german accent,"good good...come ven."

Alucard and Integra stepped inside, Schrodinger smelling fish on Alucard climbed up his overcoat and perched on his shoulder licking and nuzzling him hoping he still had fish on him to give to the werecat. Alucard rolled his eyes in disgust as he pushed Integra forward dressed up in a 50s-style pink prom dress with frilly lacy straps and hemming. She had girly make-up on and her hair was curled and tied back with a large pick ribbon.

"Enjoy your 'date' master," Alucard laughed evily,"hehahahahahe...Schrodinger stop chewing my hair or I swear to god-!"

Schrodinger squeaked and jumped off Alucard's shoulder peeking his head out from around the corner of Major's chair that he hid behind still drawn to the smell of fish.

"Herr Alucard told me vhat happened," chuckled The Major,"such a naughty fraulein youv vare Integral, come, vit on my lap,"-he slapped his knee welcomly"-and lvet our 'date' nicte commence, ja?"

_Well...I guess it isn't as bad as what my angel counterpart is going through. _Integra sighed as she sat on the fat SS dictator's lap.

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Back in Alucard's chambers inside the rancid coffin, Angel Integra was mopping the sticky digestive juices that satuated the mattress pad. She was wearing one of those hasmat suits with a mop and bucket of disinfectant cleaning the wide landscape of disgusting fish organs that made her vomit every second.

"That's it," she sighed,"I am getting a new job."

**THE END**

**Hehehehehe, I hope you all enjoyed it. I love torturing Integra and Alucard being attacked by cats must be a sight to imagine I bet. Anywho, look for more crazy adventures with our favorite Hellsing characters and if anyone wants to see someone other than in Hellsing (maybe more from Iscariot or Millenium) get a visit from thier shoulder angels let me know who and you might find it in future chapters. Thank you for all your great comments and reviews.**


	5. Chapter 5

A/N**: Hey everyone, sorry it takes so long for these chapters, but things happen. Anywho! Today we do Pip, this is loosely based off a wierd dream I had it along with my own random wackiness. If you notice the onshots sort of tie together sometimes but not quite, I don't know how but I am not going to do anything about it so there. I appeciate all the reviews and nice comments I have been getting so I hope to do as many as I possibly can.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Trinity Blood, Hellsing, the song: "House of the Rising Sun" or anything here of commerical value that is not endorsed by me.**

**Warning: Extreme adult language, some sexual violence, and all around destructive scenes.**

It had been a few weeks, and alot of media mayham since the ghouls destroyed the bed and breakfast that Pip took Seras too. He was quite angry with her about eating his dessert but somehow (probably realizing that he would never find another hot attractive vampire babe that didn't want to just suck his blood) found it in his heart to forgive her. But yet she seemed to be avoiding him, as if she was worried that he was still mad at her.

All this over a piece of dessert? Thought the author, weird, but hey, its my fic so whatever!

Anyway, as he walked around thinking of ways to make Seras happy at him again, he found himself outside watching the Hellsing's butler Walter hose down Integra's car. It was a sleek, shiney, beautiful white car. The kind he wished he could own and drive around happily. As Pip ventured nearer to get a better look at it, Walter stopped the water from the hose and turned around in a almost protective glare, yet giving the mercanery a gentle warning in his tone.

"I know what you are thinking Pip," he said rolling up the hose,"but that is what every soldier has thought upon setting eyes on her vechicle, its not meant to be driven except for her or myself, and that is the rule. I trust you will abide by it."

"Uh, yeah, sure." he nodded.

Suddenly, the shrill voice of Sir Integra called Walter inside and Pip was left alone in front of the car.

He admired it as if he was admire a hot naked woman; every sleek, smooth curve and big round tires of the car made him excited-okay maybe not in _that _way-but it left him as excited as man could get standing face-to-face with a awesome car (A/N: Since I am not a big expert of what men find desirable in a certain vechicle I will just leave it up to your imaginations and pretend its like one of those classic "kick ass" cars) He started to daydream being in that car, with Seras in the passenger seat with a slutty black tank top and short skirt that showed off her incredible legs. Ah, to only talk to her again and make her know how much he cared and that he was sorry for being angry with her.

To make her be around him again-

"PIP!"

He turned around half thinking in terror that Integra caught him staring at her car but it turned out to be Seras dragging a paler than pale vampire with dark hair towards him. He was leaning against her, falling to his knees twice before they reached him. It was Alucard. And he looked as sick as a dog.

"Something is wrong with Master!" Screamed Seras,"Walter and Integra just left for a meeting in the helicoptor and all of a sudden Master started to throw up his blood! I think one of the kittens that bit him had rabies or distemper!"

"Don't be silly," he retorted groggily,"I am a vampire. I do not subcome to the mere human conditions of being bitten by a sick animal...how do you think I surivived the Black Plague all these-BLARG!"

He finished his sentence with a upchucking of blood the color of his hair.

Black.

"Oh my god!" panicked Seras, her large breasts heaving with worry,"that can't be good-Oh Pip what do I do?"

-and that was when he had a idea.

Pip opened the backseat door and gestured with his hand to enter inside,"Do not fret, madammosille, I shall take your vampire sire to the hospital where Dr. Tervalian works and everything will be alright."

"TO HELL WITH THAT!" screamed Alucard,"I am not going in the car with you Frenchman! I would no sooner accept a ride with Iscariot to the middle of nowhere than drive with yo-BLARG!"

"Now is your chance," spoke a devlish looking chibi Pip on his right shoulder,"show the vampire his place that taking him in his master's car and then your pretty Seras will be swooning all over you like the stud you are-"

"No!" said the angelic chibi version of Pip,"do the right thing, just put Alucard in his coffin and call Dr. Tervalian, you know the rules no one but Integra and Walter drives her car."

"-but a emergency will be a exception," badded the other one,"and besides, look at poor Alucard-he is suffering..."

More black tarry-like blood came out of Alucard's mouth. It would have been a pitiful sight to see if not for the fact that it was running down his chin and onto his coat. Seras averted her eyes by looking up pleadingly at Pip. Oh yes, she was in the palm of her hands now. What better way to impress a beautiful vampire maiden than to help out her vampire sire in his hour of need. Whether he liked it or not. No sooner than Alucard said his peace that he passed out on the cobble walkway insighting Seras to scream like a whiny girl.

"Once you get Alucard to the hospital," continued the bad shoulder angel,"Seras will be impressed and Alucard will finally give you the respect you derserve."

"Alucard is a vampire of pride," said the good angel,"you know very well he won't accept help from any other human other than his master and from you might I add-"

"-which is why its better to do it when he nearly concious," finished the bad angel taking Pip's braid and swinging it at the good angel knocking him off the other shoulder,"now, you know what to do Pip old pal."

Heroically, or trying to act heroically that is, he dragged Alucard's lifeless (er, motionless) body across the back seat of the car like he was stuffing a pile of clothes into a hamper. Then he turned to Seras and held the door open for her. She jumped in hugging her master protectively.

"Oh thank you Pip," she sighed,"you don't know how much this means to me-I am so sorry for eating your dessert at-"

The rest of the conversation was cut off when he slammed the door shut and plopped himself down at the driver's seat. Behind him he could hear Alucard moaning as he shifted himself in a sitting position leaning against the back of the passenger side chair. He wanted to intimidate Pip into not driving his own master's car but his paleness and nausea didn't seem to want to cooperate with his standard emotional intentions.

"What do you think you are doing Pip," he growled,"not only do I want to ride with you but not ride with you in Master's car-uggg-" he put his hand over his stomach "-get me out of the car now, I can phone Dr. Tervalian to come over here there is no need for this. You don't even know where the hospital is where he works."

Meanwhile, the good Pip angel landed after his fall off of his host's shoulder found himself on the driveway behind the car just as it was starting up. He leaped up on to the fender and grabbed a hold of it just as it was driving out of the gate.

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It wasn't as if Pip wasn't a bad driver, he was just used to stealing the enemie's convoys and riding around in jeeps. Not pristine cars that had to be civil on the road. On thier way into London, he was swurving back and forth over the broken yellow lines trying to get his seatbelt on which he forgot to do before starting the car. Alucard dug his nails into the cushions of the seat as Seras was converting into the frantic yet misunderstood belief of the "backseat driver" religion.

"OH MY GOD! PIP LOOK OUT! HANDS ON TEN AND TWO!"

"OH SHIT! YOU ARE TOO OVER! THAT IS TOO FAR TOO FAR!"

"PIP WATCH THE ROAD!"

"Relax, Ma Cherie, everything is fine," he said smugly,"I know what I am doing..."

"Where have I heard that before," whimpered Alucard,"oh yeah-" he shouted at the top of his lungs "those are the-FINAL WORDS OF EVERY ARMY COMMANDER THAT HAS BEEN KILLED IN BATTLE!"

He couldn't help himself,"So that means you said it too Big Red-HAHAHAHHAHA-HEY! NO HITTING THE DRIVER! NO HITTING THE DRIVER!"

Alucard pissed off that he was being insulted like that started smacking Pip at the back of his head. Seras grabbed her master by his wrists and tried to seperate him from Pip. If there had been nothing to seperate them Pip would have been ripped, mutilated, and impaled upside down on the nearest telephone pole. While Alucard was letting his agression out and Pip was trying to defend himself; with Seras unsuccessfully keeping the peace they didn't see a mother doe and her two adorable fawns skipping out on the middle of the road right in front of them.

The devil Pip was relaxing on the passenger seat ignoring the chaos next to him, he was about to take a nap when he heard the sound of someone tapping on the window near him, he looked over and saw angel Pip with suction cups clinging to the window demanding to be taken in before he got knocked off of the flying bugs. He pointed down to the electric window button that lowered and raised it. Even though he understood what Angel Pip was saying he just pretended that he didn't because he was devil Pip.

"Come you moron," screamed Angel Pip on the outside of the car,"I know you can hear me! Open the damn window!"

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Inside...

Seras looked up and saw that they were getting closer to the doe and fawns. One thing you should know is that deer have bad depth perception and can't see things coming towards them. That is why they end up as ground meat on the interstate. Seras didn't want to see that happen to those sweet little tiny fawns. With her vampiric strength she shoved Alucard to the side and screamed "Deer!" "Deer!" "Deer!"

"Calling me 'dear' deary?" teased the oversexed Frenchman not even seeing them on the road.

"Holy crap!" screamed Alucard pointing his long arm over Pip's shoulder and pointing at the fawns,"don't hit the babies!"

"Huh, 'babies'?" Pip looked to see what the vampire was talking about

The little fawns squeaked in fear and pulled out thier big, soft, adorably adorable chibi eyes that said to his mind softly: "_Pwrease don't kwill us...we just little...we too young to go to deer heaven!"_

Everyone in the car, with the exception of bad shoulder angel Pip screamed like they had never screamed before and held on tight as Pip made a sharp turn to avoid hitting the fawns and plowed into the ditch driving all the way through it. Devil Pip was laughing as Angel Pip was being hit by wave after wave of stray wheat, nettles, milkweed, and other assortment of plants that can be found in your rural ditches. Yet thankfully, he was still attached to the glass of the car by his heavy-duty suction cups. They drove out of the ditch and cut off a few angry motorist out on a busy highway. Angel Pip was sighing in relief that the worst was over and attempted to get Devil Pip's attention once again.

"DEVIL PIP! THERE IS A BUTTON ON THE DOOR BELOW ME! PRESS IT DOWN TO MAKE THE WINDOW GO DOWN!" He commanded.

"What?" shouted Devil Pip mockingly pretending to just hear him now,"what button, you mean-this button-?

He turned on the radio to some heavy rock music.

"DEVIL PIP! YOU FUCKING OPEN THIS DOOR THIS INSTANT! OR I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SCROTUM AND FEED IT TO THE RAVENS AND THEN YOU WON'T HAVE ANY WHORES TO WHACK OFF TO YOU PIECE OF LAME SHIT-!"

"Sorry can't hear you buddy," taunted Devil Pip turning up the volume,"I think the car is soundproof!"

"I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME YOU BAG OF RANCID HORSE DUNG!"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," sighed Devil Pip to himself shaking his head,"and I thought you were suppose to be a angel."

Pip was still not doing a good job driving the car, in fact, he pretty much sucked at it wholeheartedly. Alucard was doubling over from the nausea and fear of driving with Pip the daredevil while Seras was curled up in the fetal position saying to herself: "Go to my happy place..." over and over again. In front of them on the road was a large semi-truck with only a inch of space between himself and the blacktop. It was a slow-moving truck and Pip thought of passing it.

"First let me check and see if its clear to pass him," he told them, he pulled to the left of the passing lane where another car was hurling straight towards them closing in about sixty inches or so, "nope, not yet." he concluded over the scared cries of Seras and Alucard.

He pulled back into his lane behind the truck scraping the side of the car against the passing vechicle driving opposite from him. Sparks from the metal squeezing together erupted from Seras's side of the window and she freaked out pulling her hair in a loud scream. Angel Pip was in tears feeling the suctions would not hold very long and shouted up again,"Devil Pip, for the love of all that is pure and holy-Please, please, please open the window!"

"Sorry," Devil Pip said again snickering,"but I can't hear you over this song...!"

He turns the volume up louder drowining out Angel Pip's cries over the song "House of the Rising Sun".

"Hey, I love this song!" Said Pip,"don't you guys?"

However, Alucard and Seras weren't interested in listening to old seventies rock at the moment, they were too busy freaking out. In front of them the truck made a wide-turn and they managed to drive underneath the truck's cargo in a tight squeeze that ripped off the hood of the car. Pip was singing along hardly paying any mind that he nearly got beheaded and so would his passengers. Angel Pip flew into the hole created from the removal of the roof and landed behind Devil Pip with a disheveled pissed-off look.

"Ahem..."

"Oh, hi Angel Pip, you look a fright-ACK!"

Devil Pip's words were cut off by a choking strangle sound as Angel Pip throttled him like crazy...

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"Pip, that is enough," screamed Alucard,"I really think we should just turn back and call Dr. Tervalian-" he threw up some more black blood "-besides, all this jossling is really making me even more sick than previously before-Pip-Pip are you paying attention to me dammit-what are you doing?!"

"Oh sorry," Pip said staring at something in front of him,"I was just wondering how a tornado got onto the middle of the road..."

"TORNADO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The two vampires screamed in unison.

Pip drove straight into the tornado, their hair flying everywhere whipping at thier faces. Alucard wrapped his arm around his fledgling and dug his nails into the cushions holding on for dear life as Pip just kept driving like nothing was bothering him. He was just singing along hardly paying attention to anything even when his braids fell over his eyes and he couldn't see a thing. Which didn't make that much a difference at the moment to his driving skills. His psychotic driving skills to say the least. Debris were falling everywhere around them. One, a rather sharp metal pole from a metal gate somewhere came landing down right in front of Alucard, impaling the seat rather than him. Fortunely, it didn't hit him directly, but just landed one inch to his crotch in between his legs.

"Oh thank god 'Alucard Junior' is safe." he sighed in relief.

Seras just stared at him with a "what the fuck-?" look on her face.

The next thing the two vampires realized was that they were being jossled around the car left and right as Pip began surving across a long bridge over the interstate highway. The car doors slammed into the cement railings of the bridge skinning the metal off the back doors.

"Hey, it got dark all of a sudden!" Pip said stupidly.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Pip made a wrong turn-A VERY VERY WRONG TURN-and drove them off a overpass bridge straight into the middle of a four-way intersection nose first and turned over upside down in a wave of smoke and mirrors. When the smoke cleared, Alucard had black vomit all over him with his hands clasped together saying the Lord's Prayer while Seras was writing out her secret last will and testament. Pip pulled his braides out away from his eyes and looked around.

"Well the hell did that bridge come from!" he shouted,"someone aught to do something about that!"

He looked over his shoulder at the two vampires,"Hey, you guys are shaking...you two okay?"

Alucard/Seras: XP (about to black out)

The two other Pips emerged from the wrecked car.

"That was fun!" screamed Angel Pip,"lets do it again! Lets do it again! Pleeeeeeeeaaassssssssseeeeeeee!?"

Devil Pip just looked at him like he was on crack.

Inside the upside down car Pip tried to undo his seatbelt thinking well, things can't get any worse, he thought checking to make sure he didn't have any broken bones or bruises.

Alucard vomitted up more black blood behind him into his hair.

Pip sweatdrops in a anime way,"Okay, at least nothing further can get any worse."

Alucard did what could be describe as a cross between cackling and vomitting as he dragged his lifeless (and I use the term loosely) corpse out through the broken window and leaned up against the side of the car. He wiped the blackened blood from his mouth with his sleeve then wiped the contents onto his pants.

Pip, meanwhile pulled himself out of the car and dragged Seras out as well, he then picked up Seras in his arms.

"Its okay baby," he said in a manly tone,"I got ya-EW!!!!"

Pip's heroic moment was cut short when Alucard nearby wiped some more of the blood vomit off his mouth and wiped it on Pip's military pants. Seras didn't notice, she was too busy trying to overcome her dizziness and wrapped her arms around his neck to try and keep from slipping in his grip. This was it. He was going to finally live happily ever after with her and have a litter of vampiric mercenary babies playing and learning to fight outside the lawn of a fancy two-story French countryhouse surrounded by white picket fencing. And he would watch them on the porch while cleaning his gun. Then Seras would come out in a sexy yellow sun-dress that would accenuate her lovely round bosoms as she bent forwards to pour him a glass of lemonade-

**_WHAM! _**

**_-Back in reality a ambulance parked right up behind Pip and slammed the front of the truck into his backside._**

"AAAAAAAAH MY ASS!" He screamed dropping Seras in shock.

The ambulance backed up in reverse and rounded to the damaged vechicle where Alucard was sitting up against it covered in his own black blood vomit and breaking out in a cold sweat purfusely. Out of the back of the ambulance emerged three sexy woman in sexy nurses outfits. They were all around the same height and build as super models. One had dark curly hair; the second one had long straight brown hair and the third had yellow hair pulled back in a ponytail. Dressed in low cut nurse dressses that came down to thier lower thighs barely, the three woman closed in around him with the glare of the white lights from the sky surrounding them from the back like a heavengly image of angels. Well, at least heaveningly looking to a certain red-clad vampire that was disorientated from his ailment and being tossed around in a crazy car.

"You are beautiful!" He smiled warmly like a aweing four year old.

The three nurses smirked at each other and pulled him up to his feet and lured him into the back of the ambulance.

"Don't worry," said the brunette nurse gently,"everything is going to be all right..."

Seras got to her feet and watched the three nurses put Alucard into the ambulance. Well, at least they would get him to hospital. Hopefully the same one where Dr. Tervalian worked at, she thought. Oh well, now she could go to her Pip and tell her what was on her mind right now. She walked solemnly over to him as he rubbed his sore ass painfully on his knees, judging by how hard he was hit it would probably leave a bruise for about a month. He felt a shadow on him and he looked up to see Seras staring down at him.

"Look, uh," he stammered,"I know you are upset at me and I-"

"Pip!" She snapped shutting him up.

"Yes..." he whimpered.

She knelt down and wrapped her arms around him,"That was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my whole life! The way you drove recklessly without breaking a sweat, you are the most bravest man I have ever known! And hang around a insane bloodthirsty vampire every day! I bet if Master was here he would be proud!"

"S-S-Seras...?"

"I LOVE YOU PIP!" She declared

He beamed happily and was given the most breathtaking kiss he had ever recieved in all his years as a ladies' man/French Mercenry. He kissed her in return and it was long, hot, passionate, intertwining and almost would get them in trouble for PDA if it wasn't for the fact that a certain long-haired blond woman in a green suit came up behind them with her arms crossed angerly. She had just gotten back to Hellsing a hour ago when one of the staff members told her what happened to her car. Well, lets just say, the poor staff member lost his hearing being within ear shot of the Leader's strong vocal outburst. And the anger didn't stop there-she had to take a taxi just to get to the site of the accident which was drawing a record number of onlookers, police men, fire department, and other ambulances.

Plus a few lawyers for kicks.

"AHEM!" She cleared her throat forcibly.

Seras and Pip broke off thier kiss and scrambled to thier feet saluting her.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED TO MY CAR!?" She screamed,"I WILL SEE YOU BOTH BURN IN THE BOWLS OF HELLS YOU FUCKING ROTTING BASTARDS!"

She grabbed them by the sides of thier heads and slammed them into each other with a resounding crack. They fell down to the ground in a daze hearing the sharp sound of her shoes walking past them yelling out for Alucard. But the ambulance containing her vampire/bitch had already left.

"Where is he?" she screamed turning to Seras and Pip, she took another step and a wave of digust washed over her face,"ugh, I step in something again!"

She walked a few more steps leaving behind a smushed Devil and Angel Pip.

"We really should stop walking on the ground like that." suggested the flatten Devil Pip.

"..."

A/N: And what happened next...WEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-

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Alucard was laying on the stretcher a little weak from today's frantic activities. He was definitely never going to ride with Pip ever again. And he grinned happily at the thought of not being around when Integra would show up and take all her anger and frustration out on him. Even though he didn't do anything, she always treated him like a punching bag. Maybe he should turn her in for all those years of domestic abuse she gave him. Maybe...yeah but who would believe him. A vampire. Getting abused by a woman.

_Well, at least I am ten miles away from that crazy-ass bitch, I bet she is really pissed off that her car was wrecked. Anything is better than being over there right now..._

And to express that happiness he oggled the three hot nurses as they circled around him.

"Eeeeeeeeee!" He squealed happily.

He could feel his stomach starting to settle already

Suddenly they hissed at him and ripped his clothes off.

"WHAT THE HELL!?"

The beautiful nurses laughed evily and thier warm porcelin skin turned into a creepy light blue as thier eyes each glowed a amber red bearing thier large fangs from underneath thier red full pouty lips. They strapped him down by his arms and legs and proceeded to fondle him roughly.

"Oh my god!" he screamed,"oh my god! oh my god! oh my god! KRUSNIKESESSSSSSS!"

They leaped up on him and sank thier fangs into every vital/sexual/erotic part of his body.

"MASTER HELP!" He whined.

The three (1)krusinek vampire nurses laughed evily and continued to gang-rape him while draining his blood from his lushious body.

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Pip and Seras came to in time to see Integra venting her gun at every traffic light and car she saw. Seras took Pip to saftey underneath the wrecked Hellsing car.

"Wanna have sex?" Pip asked awaiting the envitable blow to his face by her hand.

He cringed...

"Yes!" She screamed,"sex me! And do it in the ass!"

"ALLLLLLL RIGHT!" He wooted thrusting his fists into the air

His fists hit the car floor, which was above thier heads (the car is still upside down-the police are too scared to go where Integra is to turn it right side up) and was glomped by a half-naked Seras. So they had hours of hot ass-sex while Integra was screaming and shooting things, and Alucard was being raped in the ambulance on the way to hospital. Walter decided to stay home because well...I had no idea what he could do. And after all given how pissed off his boss was, even he knew better, than to accompany her to the sight of her car being wrecked that was evidently leading her into a pissy mood. Armed with her gun. He was loyal but not stupid.

And Pip's shoulder angels?

They video-taped Pip and Seras doing it and put it up on the internet. Mwhahahahahaha!

**_TBC_**

**_Okay, that was random for random's sake. But at least Pip got some hot sex right? And so did Alucard (yay! he is such a beautiful man-whore) the next one up will be Walter unless anyone else has a Hellsing character that you want me to use than by all means don't be afraid to ask. _**

**_1...For Trinity Blood fans here, I apoligize if I mispelled it. And for those that have never seen the anime "Krusineks" (again sorry) are described as "vampires that eat other vampires" I just thought it would be funny if Alucard ran into a few of them. And also another excuse to see him naked (wink wink)_**

**_I hope you all enjoyed the chapter and please send in your comments and reviews via the following buttons down below. See ya!_**


	6. Chapter 6

A/N**: Hey everyone! Its me again! I hoped you enjoyed Pip's crazy ride! Now we will get to someone that is even way more harder than Integra to write about-Walter. So that is why I had his shoulder angel moment when he was a brash youngster fighting with Girlycard in WW2.**

**Warning: Language, adult content, nudity, and a brief description of Concentration Camps.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing or The Dawn thank you very much.**

Germany 1942

They had hidden out in a abandoned hotel room that had been ransacked for supplies earlier. But that didn't bother Walter and his partner Girlycard. They were well supplied at the moment and merely used the hotel building for a temporary shelter to keep out of the storm and Nazi soldiers prowling the streets of some large town in Germany. There were few survivors. Most of them packed up thier things and headed to Switzerland, while others were captured in the attempt and sent to prison camps.

Night had fallen and Walter was bored. The calender had read Saturday but being a young man in the War was way different than being a young man in this day and age; there was no friends, no fun, no movies or clubs to occupy until the wee hours of the morning. Walter was like every 14 year old (A/N: If I got his age wrong please don't be afraid to correct me I assumed he was fourteen when he was in The Dawn) adventureous, fun-loving, always ready for excitement in any shape or form. The last time he even got into a schuffle was when he was spying on some of Millenium's soldiers rumored to be working in one of the Concentration Camps he heard so much about. As he hid in shadows and documented thier every move, he started to pallor and his blood boiled at the sight of what he saw. Men, women, and children being beaten, abused, locked up and caged like animals. Killed for just looking at a SS officer and families pulled apart never to be seen again. His heart ached out to them. Wishing that there was some way that he could warn the other allies and tell them what was going on so these poor souls could be saved and these horrible place burned to the ground.

As he was spying along the rooftops getting some information on Millenium, he heard something along the fenced borders. Scaling over the roofing tile he came across a young american photojournalist being surrounded by four of Millenium's officers with thier werewolf fangs bared and thier claws already extracted. The poor man had his back against the fence scared to death. It seemed that he had wandered away from a group of American soldiers camped out near the place and was taking pictures of the cematariums and barracks since he couldn't get any of the prisoners to talk to him. He had to use the pictures he took to send a message back to his regime, when he was caught and about to be punished.

"Give us those pictures!" One yelled in German,"or else!"

"No!" protested the photojournalist,"the truth must be heard...y-you can't make me!"

"Very well then," growled a second german officer going into the lycan transition,"prepare to be eaten!"

A large soldier with a green coat and hat lunged towards the poor american who was screaming at the top of his lungs. Just then, Walter leaped down in front of the american and waved his wires around wrapping the green coated soldier by the legs, with one pull the soldier came timbering down to the ground like a tall oak tree. He turned to the photographer and shouted at him to run. The man did just that hiding into a bunch of bushes watching Walter take the three remaining soldiers down hacking thier bodies to pieces with the flick of his wrists. By the time it was over Walter was covered in blood from head to toe. He ran off into the same direction that the american took when he escaped during the fight just as the rest of the soldiers got suspicious.

It was then that Walter was given his very own camera for his heroism.

Now, laying on the couch smoking his cigarette in the room of the hotel, he smoldered his cigarette on the floor with his foot and picked up the camera. There had been alot of neat things to take photographs of. Buildings, the countryside, other soldiers they met along the way. But those things bored him and he needed a challenge. Something that would be REALLY interesting to take a picture of. He tried taking pictures of woman at the burlesque shows. But that got him in trouble. And Arthur didn't hear about it now he was going to hear about it sooner or later.

Just then, Girlycard came through the door putting her tommygun on the bed like it was nothing but a set of car keys. She smelled of pungent ghouls and her coat and dress were smeared in blood, dirt, and gunpowder.

"What a night," she said exhausted,"anything happen while I was gone?"

"No..."

"Okay then," she said taking off her cap,"I am going to take a shower Walter."

Girlycard playfully tossed the cap at Walter and proceeded to enter the bathroom next to the beds. As the water started to run, he could hear Alucard singing. A bit off-key, but nothing too stressfull on the ears.

"_Rain drops keep on my head..."_

_Hmmmm,_ he thought_, I wonder_ _if Alucard is truely 'girly' so to speak..._

_"But that dosen't mean my eyes will soon be turning reeeeeeeeeeeed...LA LA LA LAAAAAAA-"_ the voice cracks on a high note_-"la la lalalala..."_

"Geeze," winced Walter,"I haven't heard a voice go up that high since puberty-wait, does that mean that...'Girly'card...?"

The thought had occured to him once or twice since he started working for Lord Arthur Hellsing. Did Alucard ever "subtract" or "leave" anything behind on him when he became the form of a girl. It was possible. If he could grow breasts, surely, that he could remove his-thingy. Right? How else would he managed to duplicate that feminine tone. But still, then, if he did remove it, would it just...be tucked away. Or-

"Gross!" he stammered,"why the hell am I thinking about this, he is not a hemaphrodite! He is a vampire! Vampires can take the shape of any form they choose-regardless of either gender...still...there is only one way to find out..."

He took his camera and entered the steamy bathroom.

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Inside, the musical voice got louder but never better. All he could make out was a shadowry silouette image of a woman standing with her back to him. But even in that poise it was hard to make out clearly whether Alucard still had his manhood on him or not. He had to get a upclose and personal shot with his sparring partner.

Just as he took another step closer, a tiny being that looked identical to him in chibi form donning wings and a halo appeared before him in a puff of smoke,"Walter C. Dorneaz," he lectured,"what do you think you are doing! This is a invasion of privacy, shame on you!"

"Oh come on, have some fun," poofed a demon-like Walter on the other side of his shoulder,"just take one picture, if Alucard askes just say its lighting or something. Go on, dont be shy."

"Walter no, think about it, would Alucard bother you while you are taking a shower?"

"Actually..." The real answer would probably be yes.

"Nevermind then!" interrupted Angel Walter.

Girlycard was still singing in a very off-key voice.

"Alucard isn't dumb," went on Angel Walter,"okay, maybe sometimes he acts like it, but he isn't dumb enough to fall for something like lighting or bombs going off. That photojournalist gave you that camera to show the rest of the world the turmoils, hardship, and pain that this war is putting on everyone. To be a symbolic messanger. And all you want to do is satisfy your sick gutterfilled couriousity as to whether or not Alucard keeps it-"

"Woah, she is turning herself around!" shouted Devil Angel in lusty awe, who by the way, was staring at the naked silouette image while Angel Walter was lecturing.

"Really! Let me see!" shouted the teenager flinching his right shoulder which knocked Angel Walter off down on the wet tile.

The shadowed figure turned around (in the both Walter's view in sexy slow motion) allowing full view of Girlycard's volumptious bosoms moving forward as her arms raised up to massage shampoo through her hair. The human Walter and Devil Walter were already drooling.

"Sweeeeeeeeeeet..." they drolled in unison like a pair of slobbering dogs.

Human Walter got the camera ready and reached his hand out for the shower curtain.

"Walter! Noooo!" shouted Angel Walter.

The curtain pushed back and Girlycard was in her shimmering nude glory for a brief second before she freaked and tried to cover herself up with her arms as Walter was snapping the pictures at her.

"WHAT THE FUCK WALTER!?" She screamed outloud.

"Woah, she is pissed," freaked Devil Angel,"later!"

And he poofed away in a cloud of red smoke.

Walter didn't have much of a chance to see if Girly's lower extremities were male or female as he was being pulmated by a wave of soaps, conditioners, and shampoo. He dropped the camera and ran out of the bathroom with his arms covering his head hearing a angry red-eyed girl screaming at the top of her lungs about him being a gross pervert.

"No, wait, Alucard I can explain-!"

"Shut up and hold still so I can kill you jerk!" She yelled running naked through the hotel room grabbing the tommygun from off the bed.

"OH SHIT!!!!!!!!"

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Outside the hotel, those that were left wandering around on the war-torn streets stopped and hide from the chaos happening outside the abandoned hotel room. Witnesses that told the stories on War Documentries and thier grandchildren many years later, reported that a naked woman that looked Japanese came out of the old Crincge Hotel room armed with a tommy gun fired it off at a dark-haired fourteen year old boy screaming for his mommy.

**FIFTY YEARS LATER...**

In the manor, Walter who is much older and more maturer, was folding laundry with the help of his Shoulder Angel. While folding a pair of black pants, a multitude of red eyes appeared on the pants and the slacks lunged at his face wrapping thier legs around his neck and strangling him. He let out a scream and fell to the floor kicking around helplessly.

"INTEGRA!" He screamed

The pants stopped and turned back into a tall dark-haired male vampire in a victorian red overcoat and fine black suit. Staring down at the older man trying to get the breath back into his lungs after nearly being choked to death by a pair of evil black pants.

After twenty minutes of wheezing Walter asked plainly,"So we cool now?"

"Yeah...we're cool." Alucard replied.

The No Life King turned around to walk away from Walter but he stopped suddenly and looked over his shoulder.

"By the way," he said,"yes...yes I do keep it there when I become girlycard. To scare the men away when they hit on me."

"Okay...just wanted to know..." The old retainer coughed.

**THE END**

**LMAO! I guess we will never know if Alucard is "all woman" or "part man" but I thought that was a funny experiment. Since Girlycard was Alucard back in WW2 I always wondered (and if anyone else has as well) if he kept it on or willed it away. And I imagine he would, you know, because of that very reason he mentioned at the end of the story. Thank you and let me know if you have anymore ideas. And those that shared your ideas with me thank you and I will put them in soon enough**


End file.
